Wednesday, February 7, 2007


Only read first 46 pages!! What symbolism does this book have? What seemed realistic and what was fakey (I know the holocaust was real!! I mean just in the writing style!!!) Does he ever meet Hitler? Is there a God? Is there an abridged version or an audiobook?!?
Book club meets tonight!! , txt me @ smers2065893@thewantads thx!!!

Sunday, February 4, 2007


Small gibberish generator, like new. $75 OBO. Call Jeff at 636-4700 weekdays after 5 PM. Languagendas and eloquencourage.

Friday, February 2, 2007


but I don't know your name! Stable, attractive professional DWM, 54, 5'10", 280#, enjoys petroleum storage units, sand, wolf figurines, margarine, cockatiels, Valerie Bertinelli movies. ISO attractive in-shape SF, 18-25, with similar interests. Box 1359.


for rent on Mars. 1- to 3-bdr. Nestled in SW side of Utopia Planitia. New carpet, refrigerator, dishwasher. Cable ready. Pets, smokers OK. On-site laundry. Security gate. All utilities paid except atmosphere, water. Variable leases available from $800/mo.

Thursday, February 1, 2007


Local artist looking for the year 1936 or pieces thereof for a project. Will pay prevailing market prices for items according to condition. Contact Lois at 231-2918 after "Jeopardy," M-F.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007


Professional photographer is looking for female models, 18-24, to pose for artistic photographs. Some partial nudity. Pay $50/hr. Interested women should call Gary at 773-7771 and/or send sample photographs to: Miller Photography, P. O. Box 8180, Cope, CO 80812.


2-bdr, 2-bath apt. in W. St. Pleasant for sublet. On-site laundry, parking, on bus route, walking distance from downtown. Some of one bedroom is under water. $350/mo. Call 233-2356 and ask for Amy.

Thursday, January 25, 2007


Leading plastics manufacturer in Minneapolis area looking for someone to pretend to be a comedian in plant cafeterias. Should have at least 30 minutes of new material per week and be available to work multiple plants on a flexible schedule. Some heckling possible. Send sample tape to:

RPMS, Inc. Home Office
P. O. Box 36102
Minneapolis, MN 55422

Prop comics OK. No menstrual / scatological humor. Actual humor a plus but not required. Submitted materials will be returned to applicants who include an SASE. 401(k), paid vacation time, health / dental / vision insurance for qualified employees. RPMS, Inc. is an EOE.


Looking for the woman who stole my heart at the Starbucks at Washington / 31st on Thursday, 1/25. You: dyed black hair, goth pancake makeup, all black clothing, about 5'5". Me: 31, brn/blu, 5'11", 175#, in forest green shirt. We made eye contact as you knocked over the display of mugs and I can't get you out of my mind since. Please contact me. Box 1537


Hot new club Gossip is looking for bartenders to work Friday and Saturday evenings from 5-2. Good starting pay plus tips. Experience preferred. Applicant should also be familiar with Microsoft Office, be able to multitask in a fast-paced team environment, and possess good communication skills. Applicants should also be able to prove age above 21. Call 535-2525 to set up an interview appointment or come by weekdays between 2 and 5 PM. No virgins.


Looking for an experienced waiter to stand in for me in situations where I would normally have to wait. Applicant should have experience waiting in restaurants, bank lines, post offices, waiting for mail, waiting for people to call, waiting for people to come over, waiting to see, standing here waiting, waiting for Godot, waiting for something cool to happen, etc. Experience with waiting in designated waiting areas a plus but not required. Applicant should be proficient with Microsoft Office, be able to multitask, and have excellent communication skills. If interested, call 925-2548 immediately and ask for John. Any reference to the Richard Marx song "Right Here Waiting" will result in immediate and irretrivable disqualification.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

WANTED: 86 Honda Accord LXi w/ Moonroof

tan inter. preferd, standard transm., mileage does not matter; permanent odor of Drakkar for men in apolstry a plus; seats must recline in order for reliving of awk. loss of innocence while mad about you by belinda carlisle plays on loop on tape deck (must have tape deck) in order for closure in order to get over Tony Velasco when he was right here beside me touching the touched part of me like I can't oh christ god why can't i get passed this this it is over 20 yrs now call me

alyse 214-492-4566

Saturday, January 20, 2007


Bright, motivated individual with B.A. from respectable liberal arts college is looking for a fast-paced, dynamic company with enormous growth potential. Applicant is proficient in MS Office, multitasks well, and communicates readily and easily with others. Capable of some travel. Has considerable previous experience in a wide variety of work-related activities. Interested HR managers should contact me at:

Nathan Hollenbeck
2421 W. Riverside Dr.
Apt. 515
Eugene, OR 97405

No phone calls, please. Nathan Hollenbeck is an Equal Opportunity Employee, and does not discriminate against employers of any sex, national origin, religion, race, marital status, sexual orientation, age, disability, or any other non-merit factors.

UPDATE: I have recently been made aware that an actual person named Nathan Hollenbeck exists (though I think not in Eugene OR), which is not necessarily surprising since I used a random name generator to come up with the name. Neither disrespect nor respect toward Mr. Hollenbeck is intended, though I do apologize if he, or persons related to him, was in any way confused or inconvenienced by this ad.


for sale. Various flavors, consistencies. Delivery through USPS. Limited time -- call 227-4048 for details.

Friday, January 19, 2007


Conceptual installation artist needs a living human being willing to intone (not merely "say" or "recite" or "chant") the sentence "The milk of human obscenity pervades my being" for an upcoming gallery showing. Recitation will be twelve hours per day in downtown Austin, TX, gallery, less fifteen minutes per every two hours for restroom / meal breaks. Sentence should be intoned, in its entirety, at least fifteen times per minute (9,450 x / day) Pay is contingent on sale of piece and is set at 22.5% of the total sale amount. Follow-up pieces may be available. Call Jaymee at 689-6291 or 528-2798 by Feb. 28.


Looking for elderly midwesterners (60+) to be photographed "enjoying themselves" in formal wear for travel brochures, awards ceremonies, etc. Formal wear is provided but wearer must be certified continent by his or her personal physician. Ability to smile with and without dentures a plus. Some travel may be required. Pay is $5.15/hr plus travel expenses. Contact:

Senior Supply Services
760 S. Sunflower St.
Santa Susana, CA 93063

for more information.


to squish escaped fruit flies in University Biology Building. Applicant must be able to stand for long periods of time and apply at least 0.5 lb of pressure per square inch using thumb or finger. Previous experience preferred. Pay commensurate with experience. Send resume to:

University of Iowa Biology Department
ATTN: Dr. James Koepke
425 W. Birmingham Ave.
Iowa City, IA 52240


College co-eds * Horny housewives * Big-breasted janitors * Wanton emergency room nurses * Naughty accounts receivable departments * Innocent Catholic school administrators * Desperate Shakespearean actors * Leather-clad church treasurers * rutting customer service representatives * letter carriers of easy virtue * wicked museum board directors * 100s more

Call 1-900-OOH-MAMA anytime, day or night. $6.95 for first minute, $3.95 each additional minute.


wanted by leading plastics producer to work lunchroom crowds in plant cafeterias. Should have at least 120 minutes of new material per week and be available to perform weekdays between 11 AM and 1 PM at various plants in the Minneapolis / St. Paul area. Light to moderate heckling probable. Send 15-minute sample tape (VHS or DVD) and resume of prior comedy performance experience to:

RPMS, Inc. Home Office
P. O. Box 36102
Minneapolis, MN 55422

No prop comics, menstruation / scatological humor. Non-funny applicants will be rejected. All submitted materials become the property of RPMS, Inc. RPMS, Inc. is an EOE.


SWM, 34, bk/brn, 5'10" 170#, ISO SF for dating, possible LTR. I enjoy short walks on the beach (less than 1/2 mile), eating out in gluten-free establishments, reading fiction written before 1960. Looking for SF age 24 to 36 into same. Box 7710.