Tuesday, January 30, 2007


Professional photographer is looking for female models, 18-24, to pose for artistic photographs. Some partial nudity. Pay $50/hr. Interested women should call Gary at 773-7771 and/or send sample photographs to: Miller Photography, P. O. Box 8180, Cope, CO 80812.


2-bdr, 2-bath apt. in W. St. Pleasant for sublet. On-site laundry, parking, on bus route, walking distance from downtown. Some of one bedroom is under water. $350/mo. Call 233-2356 and ask for Amy.

Thursday, January 25, 2007


Leading plastics manufacturer in Minneapolis area looking for someone to pretend to be a comedian in plant cafeterias. Should have at least 30 minutes of new material per week and be available to work multiple plants on a flexible schedule. Some heckling possible. Send sample tape to:

RPMS, Inc. Home Office
P. O. Box 36102
Minneapolis, MN 55422

Prop comics OK. No menstrual / scatological humor. Actual humor a plus but not required. Submitted materials will be returned to applicants who include an SASE. 401(k), paid vacation time, health / dental / vision insurance for qualified employees. RPMS, Inc. is an EOE.


Looking for the woman who stole my heart at the Starbucks at Washington / 31st on Thursday, 1/25. You: dyed black hair, goth pancake makeup, all black clothing, about 5'5". Me: 31, brn/blu, 5'11", 175#, in forest green shirt. We made eye contact as you knocked over the display of mugs and I can't get you out of my mind since. Please contact me. Box 1537


Hot new club Gossip is looking for bartenders to work Friday and Saturday evenings from 5-2. Good starting pay plus tips. Experience preferred. Applicant should also be familiar with Microsoft Office, be able to multitask in a fast-paced team environment, and possess good communication skills. Applicants should also be able to prove age above 21. Call 535-2525 to set up an interview appointment or come by weekdays between 2 and 5 PM. No virgins.


Looking for an experienced waiter to stand in for me in situations where I would normally have to wait. Applicant should have experience waiting in restaurants, bank lines, post offices, waiting for mail, waiting for people to call, waiting for people to come over, waiting to see, standing here waiting, waiting for Godot, waiting for something cool to happen, etc. Experience with waiting in designated waiting areas a plus but not required. Applicant should be proficient with Microsoft Office, be able to multitask, and have excellent communication skills. If interested, call 925-2548 immediately and ask for John. Any reference to the Richard Marx song "Right Here Waiting" will result in immediate and irretrivable disqualification.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

WANTED: 86 Honda Accord LXi w/ Moonroof

tan inter. preferd, standard transm., mileage does not matter; permanent odor of Drakkar for men in apolstry a plus; seats must recline in order for reliving of awk. loss of innocence while mad about you by belinda carlisle plays on loop on tape deck (must have tape deck) in order for closure in order to get over Tony Velasco when he was right here beside me touching the touched part of me like I can't oh christ god why can't i get passed this this it is over 20 yrs now call me

alyse 214-492-4566

Saturday, January 20, 2007


Bright, motivated individual with B.A. from respectable liberal arts college is looking for a fast-paced, dynamic company with enormous growth potential. Applicant is proficient in MS Office, multitasks well, and communicates readily and easily with others. Capable of some travel. Has considerable previous experience in a wide variety of work-related activities. Interested HR managers should contact me at:

Nathan Hollenbeck
2421 W. Riverside Dr.
Apt. 515
Eugene, OR 97405

No phone calls, please. Nathan Hollenbeck is an Equal Opportunity Employee, and does not discriminate against employers of any sex, national origin, religion, race, marital status, sexual orientation, age, disability, or any other non-merit factors.

UPDATE: I have recently been made aware that an actual person named Nathan Hollenbeck exists (though I think not in Eugene OR), which is not necessarily surprising since I used a random name generator to come up with the name. Neither disrespect nor respect toward Mr. Hollenbeck is intended, though I do apologize if he, or persons related to him, was in any way confused or inconvenienced by this ad.


for sale. Various flavors, consistencies. Delivery through USPS. Limited time -- call 227-4048 for details.

Friday, January 19, 2007


Conceptual installation artist needs a living human being willing to intone (not merely "say" or "recite" or "chant") the sentence "The milk of human obscenity pervades my being" for an upcoming gallery showing. Recitation will be twelve hours per day in downtown Austin, TX, gallery, less fifteen minutes per every two hours for restroom / meal breaks. Sentence should be intoned, in its entirety, at least fifteen times per minute (9,450 x / day) Pay is contingent on sale of piece and is set at 22.5% of the total sale amount. Follow-up pieces may be available. Call Jaymee at 689-6291 or 528-2798 by Feb. 28.


Looking for elderly midwesterners (60+) to be photographed "enjoying themselves" in formal wear for travel brochures, awards ceremonies, etc. Formal wear is provided but wearer must be certified continent by his or her personal physician. Ability to smile with and without dentures a plus. Some travel may be required. Pay is $5.15/hr plus travel expenses. Contact:

Senior Supply Services
760 S. Sunflower St.
Santa Susana, CA 93063

for more information.


to squish escaped fruit flies in University Biology Building. Applicant must be able to stand for long periods of time and apply at least 0.5 lb of pressure per square inch using thumb or finger. Previous experience preferred. Pay commensurate with experience. Send resume to:

University of Iowa Biology Department
ATTN: Dr. James Koepke
425 W. Birmingham Ave.
Iowa City, IA 52240


College co-eds * Horny housewives * Big-breasted janitors * Wanton emergency room nurses * Naughty accounts receivable departments * Innocent Catholic school administrators * Desperate Shakespearean actors * Leather-clad church treasurers * rutting customer service representatives * letter carriers of easy virtue * wicked museum board directors * 100s more

Call 1-900-OOH-MAMA anytime, day or night. $6.95 for first minute, $3.95 each additional minute.


wanted by leading plastics producer to work lunchroom crowds in plant cafeterias. Should have at least 120 minutes of new material per week and be available to perform weekdays between 11 AM and 1 PM at various plants in the Minneapolis / St. Paul area. Light to moderate heckling probable. Send 15-minute sample tape (VHS or DVD) and resume of prior comedy performance experience to:

RPMS, Inc. Home Office
P. O. Box 36102
Minneapolis, MN 55422

No prop comics, menstruation / scatological humor. Non-funny applicants will be rejected. All submitted materials become the property of RPMS, Inc. RPMS, Inc. is an EOE.


SWM, 34, bk/brn, 5'10" 170#, ISO SF for dating, possible LTR. I enjoy short walks on the beach (less than 1/2 mile), eating out in gluten-free establishments, reading fiction written before 1960. Looking for SF age 24 to 36 into same. Box 7710.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007


Sarching for a kyboard that has a working “” ky. ithr USB or th othr on (“srial port”? I think it’s calld a “srial port” or mayb a PS/2). Whatvr. If it has an oprational “” ky, thn I’m intrstd.
And just to b clar: it occurs to m that an “” is also a not in music, but I’m rfrring to th “” ky on a kyboard that is for a computr (Dll) not for playing mlodis.
Apprciat your attntion, Call 369-4772. Ask for Kn


to good home. Lion / tiger mix. Tranquilizer darts included for small charge. No deliveries. Call 458-9922 after 5 PM.


For sale: treadmills, elliptical machines, circular machines, parabolic machines, hyperbolic machines. All used but good condition. Ask for Ray at 331-0163.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007


Globandra, Inc. is now accepting applications for a Human Product Manager II. The successful applicant will have at least two years of experience in managing humans and human products or equivalent education, excellent communication skills, proficiency with MS Office, and the ability to multitask in a fast-paced office environment. Fluency in Spanish is strongly preferred but not required. Applicant will be responsible for coordinating the output of 20-50 humans in a fast-growing, dynamic department reporting directly to the Globandra Vice-President. Send resume and cover letter to:

Globandra, Inc.
Attn: Jeremy Aleman, Human Resources
1710 Commercial Park Dr.
Happy Valley, OR 97086

Globandra, Inc. is an EOE.


in Ammonia Park area available March 1. New carpet, shower, AC. Water and garbage pickup paid by landlord. On bus line. $450/mo plus utilities. 6- and 12-month leases available. Call Beth Light at 781-3334.


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Monday, January 15, 2007


Should supply own alcoholism, affairs. Smoker OK.


February. Unused, still in wrapper. Buyer must pick up: seller is unable to deliver. $800 or best offer. Call Jessica at 676-7141 before 1/31/07.


The Work and Maddening Progress Association (WAMPA) seeks 3 to 5 Iowa residents as founding members of the newly-formed WAMPA Committee for the Future of Iowa. Committee members will be socially conscious, politically-interested poets or craft artists with a strong understanding of social conditions and prevailing social mores in the state of Iowa. Internet addicts are preferred. Committee members must spend at least 6 months and one day of each year in Iowa. The WAMPA Committee for the Future of Iowa will study the possible avenues for the gradual transformation of Iowa into a “post-work economy.” With its rapidly graying population and federally-subsidized agricultural economy, Iowa is a state where work, as it has been defined in the past, is a less and less important economic factor. The WAMPA Committee for the Future of Iowa looks forward to the day when Iowa becomes 100% subsidized and totally socially secure. Committee members will be paid a salary of up to 3,000,000 pesos per annum in WAMPA scrip. Committee meetings will be rare, casual, and brief; however, committee members will be required to file semi-regular progress reports.

General information on WAMPA jobs is available here.

Qualified applicants should state their intention to apply in an appropriate on-line context.


Feathered thing. Likes to perch in souls, eats mice or small snakes. Not for those in densely populated urban areas, as it sings constantly. Cage included. $50 OBO. Call Katy after 5 PM at 636-6905.

Sunday, January 14, 2007


Do you like to cover yourself in blood and intestinal contents? Do you enjoy standing all day without bathroom breaks? Can you easily and regularly lift fifty pounds? Quad Cities Area livestock processors is now hiring partitioners, grinders, and deboners at its Rock Island plant. No experience necessary. Medical/dental insurance, 401(k), on-site daycare, $12-15/hour. Se habla Español. EOE. Apply in person 414 Beef Rd., Rock Island, IL, 61201.


Circumstances. All types. Dire, extenuating, these, likely, five others. Call Jim at 271-1010 ext. 400.


and he can answer yours too! St. Jude is the Parton Saint of lost causes and you are having difficultys that you need help with you can pray this prayer to him and he will answer.

The Novena to St. Jude

Most holy Apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honors and invokes you universally, as the patron of difficult cases, of things almost despaired of.

Pray for me, I am desperate, nearly without hope and alone.

Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, in particular -

[make your request here]

- that I may praise God with you and all the other saints eternally. I promise, O Blessed St. Jude, to remember forever of this great favor granted me by God and to always honor you as my super-special and best patron, and to encourage devotion to you, in gratitude.


When your prayers are answered, you should be sure to give thanks publicly or else God will take it back. The more people you tell, the more blessed you will be! 2 Cor. 8:8.


Free to good home. $2 each to bad home. Banana terrier / Bürohund mix. Six weeks old. Call 545-9026 after 3:30 PM.

Saturday, January 13, 2007


needed for leading bioengineering firm. Must have a current Illinois state poetic license and be able to show documentation of safe poetry-handling certification. Applicant should be conversant with and able to think deep thoughts regarding: plant tissue culture, robotic insects, sexual deviance in zero-gravity environments. Direct prior experience with poetry preferred but not required. Deep thoughts are subject to constraint within specified parameters.

Applicants should call Jenna Hanson between 8 AM and 1 PM, Monday-Friday, at 247-7978 ext. 120 to set up an appointment.

"RIIS does not discriminate on the basis of race, religion, national origin, sex, age, weight, handicap, sexual orientation, or other non-merit factors."


1994 Hyundai Miasma. 95,000 miles. Power steering, AM/FM/CD player, A/C. Upholstery new as of 2004, works fine. $1500 OBO. Call 1-800-201-1065 and leave message in box 1790.


Need enthusiastic, outgoing individual to organize and faciliate the tendencies, inclinations, and likelihoods of a medical clinic reception area. Successful candidates should communicate clearly, multitask, and be proficient in MS Word and Excel. $26,500+/yr depending on experience and education. Send resume to Westside Family Clinics, Attn: Susan McCracken, 614 W. Madison St., Miami, FL, 33101. No phone calls, please.


Good. Us too.


Need a motivated individual to wear chartreuse in the lobby of a dynamic, friendly company. Ask for Anthony at 364-2222 or send resume to Global Genomics Solutions, P. O. Box 1383, Lincoln, NE, 68506.


Brain sitter to care for a medium-sized brain on Monday afternoons between 1:30 and 3 PM. Prior experience preferred but not required. Call Peter at 368-3621, Tuesday to Friday.